If I Wanted To
by Jae B
Summary: How long can Helga hold on for her true love? Rated T for implied sexual content and mild language.


_Disclaimer: I do not own Hey Arnold! I do not own "If I Wanted To". Those belong to Viacom and Melissa Etheridge. _

_Author's Note: I needed another break from "Blue Oceans", so I decide to write, not one, but TWO songfics. These pieces of work are dedicated to my special companion, Jenn, who's a Melissa Etheridge fan. _

Ever since junior high, the 'oh so beautiful' pair had remained inseparable. How I despised that 'oh so perfect' facade of a wench who captured the heart of my beloved. It didn't help any that the two of them were headed in my direction. What did she ever do to deserve his undying affections anyway? She couldn't possibly know what true love was, and whether or not their daily greeting to me was her way of saying she'd already claimed this love that rightfully belonged to me, I was unsure of. Today, I wasn't gonna stick around. My heart willingly took the punch one too many times by this turnout of affairs, so I decided it would be in my best interest to leave the building for a quick smoke. There was still time.

_If I wanted to I could do anything right _

_I could dance with the devil on a Saturday night_

_If I wanted to I could turn matches to gold_

_Smoke drink swear and I would never grow old _

"Hey, haven't you realized by now that those things are bad for your lungs and could possibly kill you?" I twisted my head around to discover the source was none other than the bane of my existence, staring down at me from the front steps to the high school's entrance.

"What do you care, Football Head?" I spat back at him, then blew a puff of smoke right into his face, causing him to start coughing violently. "Shouldn't you be with Ms. Perfect, your 'oh so wonderful goody two shoes' girlfriend?"

"We're not exclusive, Helga. Lila and I are only dating. I came out here because we didn't see you at your locker this morning, and I'm really worried about you." He looked at me with his pleading eyes.

"Oh, yeah, pal! Then why are you two _always _together? Come on, Arnold, I'm not blind! There's no need for you to worry, 'cause it seems to me, you could care less! Now get lost!" His genuine concern turned into sudden frustration.

"Whatever you say, Helga," he sighed as he re-entered the school. Why was I _still _in love with this boy?

_I wouldn't have to be in love with you_

_If I only wanted to_

_If I only wanted to_

The next day was the same old crap, just a different day. Lila and Arnold strolled over to my locker for their usual morning welcome. Too bad I'd arrived late on this day, otherwise I would have ditched them in time for my routine morning smoke.

"Hello, Helga. Isn't it an ever so beautiful day today?" Lila cooed with such a sugar coated tone it made me want to vomit. "Arnold and I are volunteering at the human resources center after school and we thought you'd might like to join us."

"Hell no! Why would I want to be seen with you anyway, Hair Boy?" I shouted. "Besides, wouldn't it be inappropriate if someone like me tagged along with the likes of you two, the _gods _of the school?"

"Cut it out, Helga," Arnold answered, "and quit putting yourself down. Everyone _knows _you're the most attractive girl in this high school."

"Yeah, right!" I huffed. "Is that weird shaped head of yours trying to mess with my mind, huh?"

"No," he responded quietly, shoving his hands into his jeans pockets. Man, he looked hot in those jeans! "I was telling the truth."

"They have a lot of counselors there," Lila spoke up eyeing Arnold suspiciously, "and we thought-"

"You thought I was a psychotic freak!" I screamed. "That's what you thought! Let me tell you something, bitch! I know a thing or two about psychology, so leave me the hell alone, BOTH of you!"

"Helga, wait!" Arnold begged, but it was too late.

I ran like the wind through the hallway in attempts to conceal the tears I couldn't control streaming down my face. This was a sign I was becoming weak in hiding my love for Arnold.

_If I wanted to I could run as fast a train_

_Be as sharp as a needle that's twisting your brain_

_If I wanted to I could turn mountains to sand_

_Have political leaders in the palm of my hand. _

Later in the afternoon, Arnold showed his unwanted presence at my lunchroom table. His eyes sent out this pitiful look I was unable to ignore. He filled my heart with such irrational emotions, I was beginning to believe I could actually _be_ a psychotic freak. It was his tender nature that completely mesmerized my soul.

"Hey, Helga," he started, "mind if I sit with you at lunch today?"

"Whatever floats your boat, Football Head. It's a free country. Why aren't you sittin' with your 'oh so wonderful' girlfriend, or Tall Hair Boy for that matter?"

"Because Tall Hair Boy is eating lunch with Ms. Brainiac," he joked as he set his tray down onto the table.

"There's a surprise."

"Listen, Helga, I'm really sorry about this morning."

"Forget about it."

"You know Lila didn't mean anything by what she said."

"Sure she didn't, and I bet your head isn't shaped like a football either." I tried my best to keep calm, but it was a struggle. "I asked you a question, why aren't you sitting with her?"

"Because I wanted to sit with you," he shyly admitted.

"Oh, _please, _Arnold! The only reason you're sitting with me is because you feel sorry for me! If you think I'm this emotional basket case who needs your kind hearted sympathy, forget it! I don't know why I allowed you to sit with me in the first place. I prefer to eat alone."

"That among other things," he commented.

"Shut up, ya yutz!" I knew he was referring to my recent binge drinking, but he didn't know he was the cause of it.

"Come over tonight," he suggested.

"Huh? What about your volunteer work with Lila?"

"I said, _tonight,_" he stressed. He already knew I'd never be able to resist his offer, because even though he was dating Lila, he'd known how I'd felt about him for a few years now, and there were times he just couldn't behave himself, especially when it came to me. I finally realized this was _why _I was so in love with him.

"I'll be there, nine o'clock. After all, it _is _a Friday night." I knew I shouldn't be doing this, but I couldn't behave myself either.

_I wouldn't have to be in love with you_

_If I only wanted to_

_If I only wanted to_

What was I doing climbing up the boarding house's fire escape on a Friday night? Was I insane? The answer to that question I'd debated in my head for several years, but as of this moment, the only thoughts I had were of Arnold, and how my heart felt like a fist repeatedly trying to punch its way through my chest. This wasn't the first time he'd asked me to come over, and it wouldn't be the last. If our occasional 'slumber party' had any fault to it, it was the pure as snow read head who'd managed to win Arnold over one way or another.

Forgetting those negative thoughts, I reached the roof to find the goof wad waiting for me. He looked so sexy with his shirt unbuttoned and those jeans he wore caused me to become weak in the knees. There was no point denying he was attracted to me either, because the minute he saw me, his breathing intensified. Hell, it was bad enough I already sounded like a panting dog. Once our bodies made contact, we were unable to control our sexual appetites, and started in with the 'heavy petting'. While I rolled my tongue over the side of his neck and up along his ear, he slid his hands down the back of my pants, squeezing my buttocks firmly.

Brushing his lips gently over mine, he carefully inserted his tongue into my mouth, gliding it along my teeth. By the time it made the connection with my own, the fireworks were already exploding. Arnold had already managed to take my shirt off and I'd already unzipped his jeans. We were so into it, he toppled over me and I just laughed. He looked so funny staring down at me with his giant sized head, but he was still so damn sexy I couldn't take my eyes off his gorgeous body. Between kisses on my stomach, he let it be known how he felt about me.

"You know I think you're beautiful, Helga, don't you?"

"No."

"Well, I do."

"What about Lila?"

"What about her?"

"Never mind."

"Make love to me?" I knew this question was coming, but I had to mentally prepare myself for my answer. He was prepared. He was always prepared.

"Let me think about it...oh, what the hell?" He knew I'd never say no.

We opened the skylight's door, slipping into Arnold's bed, then became one throughout the night. There was always a perceived bond between us that I knew was unbreakable, yet I also realized I'd have to eventually let my beloved go if we wanted to keep that bond. He was smiling into my eyes, and I knew I couldn't bear to part with him right now.

"Spend the night?"

_I could leave tonight_

_And I would be all right_

_Stop holding on_

_If I wanted to_

_If I only wanted to _

"Sure," I knew things would be back to normal by Monday morning.

--

"Hello, Helga. Don't the raindrops look oh so beautiful as they fall onto the leaves of that big maple tree?" Yep, things were back to normal, all right.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. It's still early enough, so I'm gonna go outside for a quick smoke."

"Helga, you really shouldn't smoke. It's oh so terrible for your health."

"Who asked you, Ms. Goody Two Shoes?!" I slammed her good since she was holding hands with Arnold, who'd remained quiet the entire conversation. "Not all of us can be _perfect_, like you! Just ask your football headed boyfriend!"

"But, Helga, Arnold and I are just-"

"_Friends_? HA! I'll believe that one when pigs fly!" What kind of fool did Lila think I was? "I mean crimeney! You're holding hands with each other! Do you think I'm stupid enough to believe it's some kind of fashion statement?! Get real!"

"Helga, can I talk to you privately?" They were the first words to come out of Arnold's mouth all morning.

"In your dreams, Arnoldo! Go find some other girl to use-" I stopped short, aware I could have spilled the valuable secret both of us shared.

"Can I _please _talk to you?"

"Later. I don't have time for idle chit chat right now. I'm going outside for my morning cigarette." I didn't feel like crying in front of anyone today. Today I was at my breakdown point.

Another lunch found me playing out the same scenario as last Friday. If Arnold truly was trying to mess with my mind, he was doing an excellent job of it, but I seriously doubted it.

"Mind if I sit with you today?"

"What do you want, Hair Boy?" I asked bitterly, "Don't you think you've already done enough damage to my heart?"

"No, but I think the smoking and drinking has." His wide set green eyes told me he was really worried about me. "I heard you got drunk Saturday night and almost ended up in the hospital. What are you trying to do? Compete with your mom?"

"What I'm trying to do is forget about all the bullshit you've been putting me through!" I belted out, throwing my tray at his face. He didn't care.

"Sh! Sh!" He grabbed me by the arm and walked me out of the cafeteria. "Calm down. Everything's gonna be fine."

"CALM DOWN?! Who do you think I am?! Some kind of whore you can use every weekend?! Maybe I should start chargin' ya, huh?!" I knew I'd lost it because I started crying in front of Arnold. "I'm turning into such a big wuss, and it's all because of _you_!"

"Hey, hey! That's enough!" He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and steered me outside.

When we got there, I witnessed Rhonda and Harold in a shouting match. It was no surprise. They'd had a turbulent relationship throughout high school. In some ways, their relationship was similar to mine and Arnold's, but theirs was public. Arnold and I knew how to be discreet, up until now.

"Helga, you _know _how I feel about you, but if you want to make this work, you've got to have a little patience." He knelt down and looked up into my eyes. A look that made my insides choke with anguish. "I'm with Lila right now because I don't want to ruin what you and I have together. I'd like to put a serious relationship for us on hold for now, at least until we graduate. You have to believe me when I say you're the only one I've ever made love to. Please wait for me?"

"Oh, I believe you...and I'll wait for you," I sighed. "Just don't fall in love with that flame headed bitch in the meantime. Now get the hell outta here before I slap ya upside the head!"

_If I wanted to I could be as patient as death_

_Fix this hole in my heart leaking into my flesh_

_If I wanted to I could turn sparks into ice_

_There'd never be another woman who could make you think twice_

Once again, I was faced with an offer I just couldn't refuse. Friday's had become a special treat for me, and I was thankful those nights kept me from drinking myself silly. I hated the fact he was taking advantage of my availability, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't say no. Although I'd accused him of using me on Monday, I knew the boy too well. It wasn't his style, but why he wanted to date the so called 'wholesome' girl who seemed like more of a best friend to him was a concept completely beyond my grasp. So, he too, thought we shared a concrete bond, but he wanted me to wait around for him until graduation. What pissed me off the most, was the jerk already knew I would. Still, I'd finally come to the realization he was as crazy about me as I was about him, and I wanted to kill him for that, because it made me love him all the more.

_I wouldn't have to be in love with you_

_If I only wanted to_

_If I only wanted to_

_--_

_Author's Note: Another ME songfic is on the way. I just have to write it! Lol! This will not be a H/A/L songfic. Just wait for what I have in store for you, heh, heh, heh! I'm always appreciative of any review I get. Thanks to all those reading and reviewing, or just reading. _


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